Meltdown

Sweet Rina,

I go back to work in 9 days and last night, I had a bit of a meltdown. I know it will be good for the 2 of us that I go back to work, but it doesn’t mean it’s not breaking my heart. I’ve tried to explain it to your Dad who wasn’t fully getting the picture by telling him the following:
I’ve prepared for your arrival for 9 (and a half, in my case) months, I’ve been with you every moment of your life for the past 11 1/2 months. I haven’t missed a sneeze, a yawn, a smile or a cry. I was there for every. single. moment.
I’ve isolated myself from friends (your bedtime is awfully early, therefore, I don’t go out anymore), and I’ve pretty much focused all my time making sure you were happy, content, fed and growing into the wonderful little girl you’re slowly becoming. Now, I go back to work. When you hurt yourself and cry “Mama!”, sometimes, I won’t be there to comfort you and you’ll have to be comforted by your Dad or your Nanny. I may miss a few of your firsts (I really hope I get to be there when you first start to walk, or anything else for that matter) and it’s a bit hard to accept from a type-A person like me, but it will be alright. There are days where I won’t see you at all, thanks to the long 12hrs-shifts I do at work, but it won’t mean I’m not thinking of you. You can be sure I will go kiss you in your sleep whenever I get home. There are other days where I will be dog tired after being up for 24 hrs thanks to my 1st night shift every set, but it will be alright. You will continue to grow and smile and be the happy baby you are, the only difference is I won’t be with you for every. single. moment.
But it will be alright because I love you and, hopefully, I’ve done a good job showing you how much I do when I was with you for every. single. moment.
When you were born, I thought staying at home for a year would feel like forever. Forever is ending in 9 days. I’m not the first nurse/mom to go back to work after a full year of maternity leave. I am, however, YOUR mom and although I know you and I will both be fine, right now, I’m not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go dry my tears.
I love you with all my heart sweet angel!
Love,
Mom & Dad Xxo

5 thoughts on “Meltdown

  1. Mon Dieu!! Valérie, je me reconnais tellement dans ce message !! Tu as su mettre par écrit toutes les émotions que je vivais lors de mon retour au travail.Si tu savais à quel point ça demande du courage de retourner au travail et de laisser notre bébé derrière soi. Même s’il est entre bonnes mains, même si c’est son père qui s’en occupe, pendant ce temps, c’est nous qui culpabilisons parce que nous avons manqué telle ou telle petite chose.
    Je te souhaite un beau retour au travail. Ta fille est magnifique. À travers ton blogue, je vois à quel point tu es une bonne mère.
    Bonne chance, Amélie XX

  2. This made me cry as I know exactly how you feel. Jake didn’t get it either as he isn’t the mama and have the same connection. He jist tells me that now I know how he feels since he misses so much. Yoire very lucky to have had that mich time with her. Glad I didn’t have that long with Emery or id have had a huge meltdown. Hope the transition goes smoothly for you all!

  3. There is nothing I can say that will make it easier but that I feel the same way. Leaving Alexis that first morning was the hardest thing I have ever done and it isn’t getting any easier. Dads just don’t get it and I don’t think there is any way that they can. Hugs!!!!

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