So, this morning, I was forced into a rest day as Ben is on a flight to the Yukon (good luck with the cold Babe!) and that meant I had to miss my Crossfit class… even though I knew that Jackie was up and it probably would have killed me, I would have liked to have a shot at that
I think I would have asked Coach Caleb to do the FG1. I have never been craving Crossfit so much as I am this morning. Why is it that it’s always the things you cannot have that you want the most? And I missed another rope climb practice! With me going back to work full-time in less than a month, Crossfit is becoming a priority as I won’t be able to always go 3x/week when I’m back to work. Grrrr! I can’t really hold it against the hubs as he did fix my computer yesterday and installed a new hard drive in it that makes it run much faster. I guess you could say we’re quits! 😉
Since I don’t have anything Crossfit-related to talk about, I thought I’d talk a little bit about our family and where we’re at.
* CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING WILL DISCUSS FAMILY PLANNING AND MAY BE A TOUCHY SUBJECT TO SOME READERS. IF YOU’RE OFFENDED EASILY BY THESE TOPICS, STOP READING NOW! *
As of Monday, I’ve been “hormone-free”. For the first time since I was 16 (other than the 15 months it took us to get pregnant with Rina), I am absolutely free of any hormonal birth control. I was on the pill for 15 years before we decided to try to get pregnant with Rina and went on the Mirena IUD after her birth and up until we decided to go for Béa. The Mirena had worked so well for me after Rina’s birth that it was my plan to go back on it after Béatrice’s birth as well (it allows you to breastfeed as well, so it was a logical choice for me. After a few months on the Mirena once BeZu was with us, I realized something was wrong. I was angry all the time and when I wasn’t angry, I was crying. I didn’t have any patience and I didn’t like the mom I was becoming to the girls. I was also packing on the pounds… Nothing to help with post baby body confidence! I talked to my doctor about it and she said right away that we should take the Mirena out. I was reacting to the Progestin in it in a bad way. We then made a plan for me to go back on birth control, with a back-up of condoms for the 1st month (until I had 1 full cycle of the pill in me). I could have gone with a copper IUD, but that would have meant another appointment to insert it and another one to remove it when we had made up our minds about the future of our family. I wanted more freedom of choice (being able to stop the birth control at will, without a doctor’s visit) so that’s why we decided I should go back on the pill.
We hadn’t factored in a small detail: Major case of mommy-brain. Within the 1st month of being back on the pill, I forgot to take it twice, so we kept on using our backup method. Same thing for the 2nd and 3rd month. Since I couldn’t remember to consistently take the pill, I decided to just stop taking it altogether and we would simply use condoms instead. There is no point in me pumping my body with hormones if we couldn’t trust that method to prevent a future pregnancy.
Ben and I had always said we would decide if we wanted another baby when Béatrice turned 1. Over the past few months, we have talked many times and the discussion always ended with: “I’m tired. Me too!”, “Right now would not be a good time”, “We’re not getting any younger”, “If we ever want to buy a house, I need to be working and not be on maternity leave all the time, otherwise, we’ll never save enough”, “We have two beautiful and healthy girls.”
Not to add that we would definitely need to take into consideration the little annoying fact that I have retained my placenta for both deliveries and we would need to plan a 3rd pregnancy accordingly. I would not want to go through a post-delivery haemorrhage like I did after Béatrice. It took me months before I felt like myself again and regained some sort of energy back. When you tally all those factors in, we have decided that we are good with a family of four. Ben will look into a more permanent solution when the right time comes (it’s his turn to have to suffer a bit, I’ve done enough in that department!), but until then, I won’t go back on the pill and we’ll just continue with our back-up method.
As a couple, these are not easy discussions to have. There is a certain mourning process that you have to go through. Ben LOVES kids and I love my daughters. We would have more if it was financially feasible, but childcare alone for the month of January will be close to $1500 on top of our rent ($1300). These are huge expanses and we want to be able to afford some activities for the girls as well (keeping Rina in her dance classes, paying for her pre-school, etc). I get sad at the thought that I will never hold a newborn of mine again. I know I work with babies and premies, but they are not mine. I’m sure I will go through another bout of mourning once Ben gets his surgery done. For now, I’m trying to accept this new phase of our lives and keep moving forward. For now, I will leave you with some of my favourite shots of the girls: