I come home much later than usual. People got stuck in traffic coming in to work and I had to stay behind to give my report. I was also caught in heavier traffic coming home, thanks to back-to-school, I guess, hence the lateness of my arrival home.
When I come in, Rina has already gone on the bus for school and Ben is getting ready to leave and drive Béatrice to pre-school. He has decided he will do some computer work at a café before getting the girls back home (Rina is only doing half-days this week, full days begin next week).
There is a certain relief in knowing that I will be able to fall asleep after a night shift, to an absolutely quiet, empty house. At the same time, I am unnerved: I didn’t get to see Rina before going to school and I barely saw Béa before she left. That constant pulling and tugging at the mama’s heart. The everlasting dichotomy between enjoying this time for myself and missing my children. My heart is raw at this new, yet very familiar struggle.
The girls are 2 and 4. I’ve felt this emotional tug-of-war from the moment Rina has taken her very long-awaited first breath in the delivery room and it is something I still struggle with on an almost daily basis. I have a feeling this is something I will have to battle my entire life. The constant struggle between being an individual and being a mother, between being a mother and being a wife, between being a mother and being a Crossfitter, between being a mother and being a nurse.
There’s no point to this post, I just wanted to share how I feel. Time to go to bed… in my very quiet house.