We got back from our trip to the mainland yesterday and I have to admit, you travelled really well. All our relatives thought you were the cutest thing ever. I thought so too, but then again, I am your mom! I even got to dress you up in a few cute outfits you were given by a few friend of your dad’s and I’s before you ended up puking on them! 🙂 Overall, we had a very good Christmas and you were spoiled rotten. People are being way too generous and we don’t know how we’ll ever thank everyone enough. Below is a picture of how we found you on Boxing Day morning in your playpen. I nicknamed you Houdini the escape artist because when I left you earlier, all your limbs were in your pyjama and you were bundled like a burrito.
Sorry for the crappy quality of the pic, it was taken from my phone and the curtains were drawn as it was early in the morning. The socks on your hands were to keep them warm as they had a tendency to get ice cold during the night. I know, not very fashionable, but effective!
Now comes the part about the guilt. You are almost 3 weeks old and although I have given breastfeeding a fair try, I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore. I haven’t been without pain in my breasts for over 12hrs in those 3 weeks and I was starting to dread feeding you because I know it will be painful, burning and prickling the whole way through and it will last even between your feeds. Add to all that the fact that you are colicky and have spent 6hrs straight this morning howling at the top of your lung and another 1.5hrs tonight doing the same (despite your dad and I burping you, holding you upright, giving you gripe water, etc, etc) and my heart was just breaking for you. You cried so much, you are losing your voice and now sound raspy. I have decided to keep pumping my milk for now and we’ll see if you keep suffering from colics. I have tried my best to help you with latching on properly, but my letdown is so strong that you gulp milk down with tons of air, which doesn’t help your belly cramps. Your dad and I have also discussed a plan B if that didn’t help you with the colics and we are not opposed to giving your formula for a few feeds throughout the day if need be. I am at peace with my decision and so is your dad. Right now, it is more important for me to bond with you than to achieve successful breastfeeding. It is a conclusion that has taken me a few days to reach and it wasn’t all that easy to accept, but I have come to terms with it and your dad just wants me to feel good about any decision I make. I have been talking with your Mamie a lot lately and she has been helping me a lot by reassuring me that whatever decision I made, I was a good mom to you as I was doing what is best for the both of us. So there. I am letting go of the guilt and moving on. If some readers of this post object to my decision, I don’t really care or want to know to be honest as I’ve been struggling with my decision for the past few days and am finally comfortable with my choice. It might not be the best choice, but it’s the best choice for our family right now. Here are a few more pictures taken during the Christmas break from my phone:
Mom & Dad Xxo