Time To Pause

I’m struggling…

In my personal life, in the gym, on the blog.

I am working on my personal life issues and have taken steps in order to make things better. Don’t worry, I’m not in jeopardy, but it hasn’t been easy since Christmas. That’s all I’m gonna say about it on here. Some things need to remain private and I’m drawing the line here.

I have forced myself to get into the gym for the past 3 weeks or more. I still go 2-4 x/week, but it’s a struggle to get the motivation to go. I go, I lift/sweat, I still PR and I even started going back to Oly lifting class. It’s been a while since I’ve felt the happiness of the endorphins, but I still force myself to go, because I know it’s good for me. If, for nothing else, it has had its magical therapeutic effect on me. I’m just tired of crying with almost every single workout. The physical exertion opens up the emotional floodgate and the rubber mat is on the receiving end of all I’m trying to keep bottled up. I am fully aware of that and, like I said, I’m dealing with the emotional side, no worries.

We are well into February and this is my 6th post since the beginning of the year. Whereas I normally blog 2-3x/week. Motivation has been lacking for the blog as well and it has become a rushed chore more than anything else. Blogging has been a wonderful outlet for me since I became pregnant with Rina. I have found support and comfort in your kind comments when I was struggling as a new mom but lately, I find it’s taken my focus away from my kids and I just want to live in the “now” instead of recording every little workout or PR. I want to not feel the pressure to write, the possible judgement that comes with blogging on a regular basis and instead, I want to focus on the things that matter to me the most: my health, my children and my family.

With this said, I am taking a break from the blog. Will it be definite? Only time will tell.  I wanted to thank you for reading throughout the year and for understanding. I will keep reading some of my favourite blogs, but I may not contribute as much on here as you’ve been used to, or at all, for that matter, but I’ll still here. I’m still strong. I’m still going on, one day at a time, one rep at a time, one breath at a time. It’s just time for me to take care of me for once.

So for now, I’ll say: See you around! It’s been a pleasure to write and maybe I’ll be back one day!

 

How Do They Do It?

I woke up and made my way to the Box for the 0600 class this morning. I was sore from my little adventures with Kathleen yesterday (Thanks for the torture! 😉 ) and I could definitely feel a very tender spot in my glutes. I looked up the WOD and was sad to see wallballs in the warm-up and squats in the WOD. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle all that squatting action with such a sore bum. Oh well, better drag that sore bum to the gym anyway.

The warm-up was ok. It was my 1st time doing wallballs in the new space on the rafters and it was an adjustment. I stopped trying after my 7th rep on the 2nd round since everybody was warming up the presses for the skill portion

Skill: Strict press 5×3 E90s

My weights were all screwed up for this as I was looking at my push press numbers. Yeah, not doing 100# strict press anytime soon! I scaled it back down to the appropriate weight and here’s what I did. I was trying to get to 65#, but it didn’t happen:

55#-60#-65# failed my last rep – 65# failed my last rep – 62#. New PR by 2#! Lol!

WOD: Escalator 2

I was thinking of trying to do the FG1+ with 75#, but I reloaded my bar after the 1st round. It was a lot to clean from the ground and there was no way I would be able to squat that weight for 55 reps total. I lost some precious time removing the plates and settled for 65#. My SDBJ were all done at 20″, although I did a few practice jumps at 24″ and managed 3-4 without any problem. I just didn’t think I could do so after squatting and with exertion and I didn’t want to repeat a fall on my shins, so I settled for 20″. My pull-ups were all done with the red band and around round 7, I realized I could easily get back onto the bar without having to use the box or even the clip on the rig. Woot! Woot! Been waiting 2 years to be able to do assisted pull-ups with a band that offered enough resistance to help me do my reps, but without struggling to get onto the rig. Apparently, the red band or thinner is the one! 🙂 Time was called when just as I was making my way to the bar (pretty sure I was the only one left working) for my squats on the round of 9. We were to add 1 second to the 18:00 time cap for each rep missing. I ended up with 18:39 (missed all my reps for the round of 10 + my 9 squats = 39).

I was pretty bummed about my score as I felt I was totally cheating. It would have taken me much longer to finish my reps, but them’s are the rules and I did like everyone else. It’s only now that I entered my score online that I realize I, in fact, did FG1+ because FG1 was only up to 8 reps and I managed to get almost all of the 9 reps done! Yay! Not too bad after all!

I came back home and was not looking forward to the rest of my day. Ben has been leaving early everyday this week as he’s running his camps and that means I’ve been pulling extra weight with the girls. I was already exhausted from 3 WODs in 3 days and my hands have been sore and sensitive ever since I came back home this morning. I have some subcutaneous blisters from all the erg and pull-ups I’ve done this week and it means I have a hard time making a fist with my hands.

Blisters under the skin. They haven't "popped" yet, but they are still painful

Blisters under the skin. They haven’t “popped” yet, but they are still painful

Ben must have felt something was off, he made me a coffee. The man truly knows the way to my heart. I was sad to see him leave for the day!

I managed to muster enough energy to take the girls to the playground on their scooters (that meant me having to carry both scooters and helmets back, since they refused to ride them home, lovely), make them a decent lunch and I was really hoping to be able to nap during their quiet time. I slept for maybe 15 minutes before they started screaming at one another. Nap time was over and I didn’t feel rested at all. I was sore everywhere and über grumpy. It got me thinking: how do athletes do this, day in and day out? Most of them not only train like beasts, they also need to work in order to make a living and they also have families! I had only done 3 little WODs in 3 days and my body was clearly letting me know it was done. I cannot imagine doing this 5-6 days/ week for 4-6hrs everyday! Hats off to the Games athletes!

I managed to cook some more food to prepare my return to work and I made this delicious paleo / Whole30 compliant Butter Chicken from The Primal Desire. The only modification I made was this one: dump everything in the slow cooker uncooked, set for 6hrs on high and voilà! Delicious Butter Chicken for dinner, served on top of cauliflower rice with some bell pepper.

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Mandatory picture because it was delicious!

My lunch bag is packed full of Whole30 foods for tomorrow, my scrubs are out and waiting for me in the bathroom, the house is somewhat clean and I’m just waiting for the girls to be asleep before I can totally relax for the evening. Let’s pray I don’t have to wait too long!

Sorry this post is a bit late, I just didn’t have it in me to blog before now! 😉

Bruiser In The Fog

We’ve been surrounded by a thick orange fog since yesterday due to the raging forest fires occurring up island and it makes for gloomy, yet cooler days. After the heat wave we’ve had, I’ll take the cooler weather. It’s just weird to wake up to the smell of campfire all over the city…

Orange sunrise

Orange sunrise

I was early at the Box so I got my speed rope out and worked on my DUs outside the door. My goal was to do 10. I only managed singles except for once, I got 2 in a row. Obviously, I still need to work on those! Lol!

Coach Caleb let us in and we warmed up a little before getting ready to tackle these 3 WODs. I say 3 because, look at that warm-up, it felt like a WOD in itself!:

Felt true today!

Felt true today!

 

The majority of the people had done this WOD back in January, but I must have been working because it was my 1st go at it. I chose to do Clurpees with 65# on my bar. I broke my reps like this:

  • 15: 8-7
  • 12: 6-6
  • 9: 6-3
  • 6
  • 3

The burpees were slow and painful, but I felt good in the hang power cleans at 65#.I don’t know that I could have done Rx since it took me 8:29 to finish at 65# and that meant I had about 9 minutes of rest before diving into WOD #2. I noticed though that my left side is much weaker than my right. I have bruises on my left thigh and left collarbone, but none on the right ones. That means my left side is weaker and I seem to bang the bar onto my left since I can’t control it as well as the right… It’s nice that I have the knowledge to recognize this, but I have no clue on how to go about correcting this weakness. Any tips?

Tracey and I got to talking during our “rest” and she shared something Kathleen had taught her about how to tackle the start on the erg:

  • 1st pull: make it a full one
  • 2nd pull: only go halfway
  • 3rd pull: go 3/4 of the way
  • remaining: make it full ones

I tried this on my 1st 300m attempt and something magical happened. After 101 weeks of Crossfit (who’s counting? I am! 2-year anniversary coming up!), I managed to break the sub 2:00/500m for the first time ever. Not only did I break it, but I stayed under for my 1st row, oscillating from 1:57/500m – 1:59/500m! This is huge for this short stuff right here! Tracey was so stoked, I think she was more excited than I was! I finished my 1st attempt at 1:11.4.

I was struggling to catch my breath on the 1 min rest and tried to apply the same strategy on my 2nd attempt. I had nothing left though and my pace crept back up to 2:07/500m. That’s when I closed my eyes and just rowed as hard as I could. Some very guttural/animal/primal screams were coming out of me during the row (seriously, I don’t think I ever screamed like that, even during labour). I was in pain, my body wanted to quit, but my mind wouldn’t let it. Tracey wouldn’t let me either. She told me to get back in the zone, calm down and keep going. I tried and finished with 1:14.3.

I rolled off the erg and went down on all fours, but my quads couldn’t even take the abuse of that position so I let my body fall into the ground and bawled my little heart out. It took me a while to get back up afterwards. My mind was ready to get up, but my quads weren’t. For the first time in a long time, my mind was stronger than my body… Some kind fellow crossfitter came to stroke my hair and try to calm me down. It worked. Unfortunately, I’m horrible with names and can’t remember for the life of me what her name is . Thank you, though, your soothing touch was all I needed. I got back up and made sure I didn’t forget any equipment behind (no burpee penalty for me today) and got my scores on the board.

I came home, had a scrumptious Day-30-of-my-Whole30 breakfast before getting the day under way. I plan on taking an easy one with the girls and relaxing while they go for their quiet naps. We’ve already been for a walk and played outside for over an hour this morning. This BabyMama is exhausted!

 

10 Days…

10 Days is all it took to break me down. I have been sick for 10 days while going to/missing work, going to/missing Crossfit and taking care of 2 sick toddlers who have also been sick for 10 days. 10 days of coughing until my ribs hurt, 10 days of sore throat, 10 days of wiping off snotty noses, 10 days of dealing with short tempers from the little ones.

10 days of house hunting, 10 days of trying to maintain the apartment somewhat decent, 10 days of not resting, 10 days of waking up at 0430 EVERY MORNING just because sleep eludes me.

10 days…

10 days is all it took for me to try to clean up yet another mess made by the little ones this morning when I finally broke down in tears. I am beyond exhausted, I need to sleep and get healthier, I desperately need some “me time”. I have a lovely gift certificate for 1h30 in a sensory deprivation floating tank and I don’t even know when I’ll be able to escape and go do nothing for 1h30.

For now, I will get Béa up from a short time out/nap and take the girls to the playground with the hope that they burn enough energy to be less animals and more little humans. Tomorrow is our 4th wedding anniversary (and also celebrating 7 years of being a couple) and I will be back to work. I don’t even have a card for my husband because I forgot to buy one and I just cannot fathom going to get one. Hopefully, we can skip the presents this year and make an approved offer on a house we like instead! 😉

I’ll keep you posted…

Ugh... Seriously!

Ugh… Seriously!

Survival Instincts

It’s been a long day in our household today and it ended with Ben leaving for work and me having to entertain the girls by myself (once again!) while finishing up the laundry (once again!). The afternoon was spent with me wishing the girls would be good and Rina having meltdowns after meltdowns. Poor thing has had a low-grade fever all day, either has snots flying out of her like sap out of a maple tree in the spring or is completely stuffed up.

After having had 2 time-outs at dinnertime, I called it quits and got everybody in the tub and ready for bed. A quick FaceTime call with Ben (our routine at bedtime when he’s not home to help out, we call him to say goodnight) and it was time for lights out. I put Béa down in her crib (our girls share a room) and then asked Rina if she wanted to rock with me for a bit in our rocking chair. She did, so we got settled. She ordered asked me to massage her back and I obeyed obliged. After a while, I put her in her bed and she asked nicely for me to scratch her back as she laid on her tummy. I sat down on the floor next to her toddler bed, my head resting on the railing and started gently scratching. Just as I was thinking that I was done for the day and couldn’t wait to get some alone time, she feebly reached out her arm and stroke my cheek with her hand and said: “Love you too mama” (her way of saying I love you). I swear sometimes, kids have a 6th sense and they know when you are at the end of your roll, and they do something really sweet and innocent like that just to make your mommy heart melt all over again. I guess it’s their way to let us know that, as parents,  we’re not doing such a bad job after all. Either that or it’s their survival instincts kicking in! 😉

I made sure she was comfortable for the night (saline solution up her nose after bath time, then doused her in generously applied some Vicks Vaporub). Let’s hope things stay this way as, for now, all is quiet on the baby monitor. For now…

Jan. 23, 2011: We (barely) made it!

Hello Rina!,
I am very proud to say that we have officially made it through the weekend without your dad, just the two of us, even if the last part was quite the challenge. Friday and Saturday went by without a hitch and I was silently congratulating myself on doing so well, taking care of you all by myself. Well, let me tell you, even though I never uttered a word by fear of jinxing myself, just thinking it did the trick! You were up at 0300, 0400, 0520, 0600, 0730, 0845 and that’s when I gave up on sleeping this morning. Maybe I would’ve pushed a bit harder if I’d been able to foresee the rest of the day 😦

I think I’m being generous by saying that you slept a combined 1 hr throughout the day. There was nothing to do, you just wanted me to hold you at all times. Today was a pyjama day not by choice, but simply because I never got around to getting dressed. Shortly after I decided to get up for the day, our new temporary roommate (Timmy) thought I didn’t have enough on my plate already and decided to wretch on the carpet. Great! Just one of those days!

Timmy, our new roommate for the next 2 months!

We are cat-sitting him for the net 2 months as his owner is away in India. He’s an old guy with barely any teeth left and is quite affectionate, however, he couldn’t care less for you and remained under the radar for the entire day after his incident in the morning. As for you, you were quite the challenge today, not wanting to be in your swing or your chair or even in the sling. You just wanted to be held is all. I managed to give you some tummy time though and you tolerated that for about 10 minutes before fussing again.

Trying to decide which fist to inhale first!

 

I have to admit that I cried with despair when your dad called to say that he would only catch the 6pm ferry to come back home (he had originally planned on taking the 5pm) as I was exhausted and looking forward to catching a break. I gave you a bath and fed you and your dad finally got home. He took over and managed to put you down within  30 mins! Very frustrating for me who has dealt with you all day. You wouldn’t sleep for me, but you do so for your dad. Timmy wouldn’t show up for me, but pranced around as soon as your dad got home. I guess it comes with the territory of being a mom: you do all the work and don’t get any of the recognition!

As soon as your dad got home, I hopped in the tub to try to relax and once I got out, your dad gave me a neck and back massage to work out the accumulated tension. He is a very good man and we love him very much! I have to start the Challenges (push-ups, sit-ups and squats) tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it, but tomorrow will be a better day, I’m sure of it!

Sleep well my little Monkey!

Love,
Mom & Dad Xxo

Jan. 14, 2011: Chubby Monkey hanging out with Mamie!

Hello Rina!,

Your Mamie arrived last Monday and I have to say it was a very surreal/emotional moment for me to have the two of you meet. My mom meeting my daughter. It still is weird, even writing it out! It’s been a blessing having her here with us as we were able to do so many things in a few days that would’ve taken me probably 2 months to achieve on my own.

We have managed to sort and label all your clothes according to sizes, we’ve made food that I was able to freeze and will hopefully have enough to last me through the next week and weekend as your dad will be leaving next weekend for work. He has a squash tournament for his junior players and he needs to go to the mainland. I am a bit scared of being on my own with you through the weekend, but I will try not to stress about it until I need to. We have also been to your 1 month F/U appointment at the doctor’s and you are becoming quite the Chubby Monkey, weighing in at 9lbs 6oz and measuring a whopping 21.5″! I guess whatever it is that we’re doing is doing you some good!

Speaking of feeding you, although your dad and our doctor are more than on board and agreeing with the plan we had established, I am the one struggling with guilt about the whole breastfeeding issue. As discussed with our doctor, I was to wean off the pump and slowly wean you off breast milk by doing so. I haven’t put you back on the breast in a while now because to add to the pain you were causing me by not latching on properly, you also had a bout of thrush that is slowly clearing away now. However, I wasn’t about to subject myself to that on top of the pain of breastfeeding you. The issue that I have is the following: I’m still not done grieving my major fail at breastfeeding. I told the doctor yesterday that I just wanted to make sure I had done everything I needed to and that I hadn’t taken the easy way out by “giving up” on breastfeeding and giving your formula instead. My doctor said she didn’t understand why I was doubting myself, that we were obviously doing what was best for you and me as you are quite healthy and thriving. She even said that we didn’t need to wake you up to feed anymore as you are putting on weight really well. I guess I had this vision of breastfeeding you for a lot longer than I did and I just need to deal with the fact that reality is just not what I had imagined. I just need to let go. It seems to be my motto for the new year: Letting go. I am letting go of the things I have no control over. I have done that in my personal life as well, I just need to apply it when it comes to you also.

You are still suffering from your bouts of colics and I’ve noticed that you have been having more since you are being fed exclusively by formula (hello, more guilt for me!) and you made sure to demonstrate what you are made of to your Mamie all day today and tonight. It is days like today that make me wonder how I’ll cope with you all by myself next weekend. Not worrying about it now, letting go. I’m just happy my mom is here to help out right now. Below is a picture taken yesterday. I am on the phone with your dad and he says he loves you very much. As for me, I will try to go to bed early as I am completely beat!

You love staring at your giraffe!
Mamie & Rina

 

Goodnight love,

Mom & Dad Xxo