Guilt | Ramblings of a Babymama

Hello Rina!,

Your Mamie arrived last Monday and I have to say it was a very surreal/emotional moment for me to have the two of you meet. My mom meeting my daughter. It still is weird, even writing it out! It’s been a blessing having her here with us as we were able to do so many things in a few days that would’ve taken me probably 2 months to achieve on my own.

We have managed to sort and label all your clothes according to sizes, we’ve made food that I was able to freeze and will hopefully have enough to last me through the next week and weekend as your dad will be leaving next weekend for work. He has a squash tournament for his junior players and he needs to go to the mainland. I am a bit scared of being on my own with you through the weekend, but I will try not to stress about it until I need to. We have also been to your 1 month F/U appointment at the doctor’s and you are becoming quite the Chubby Monkey, weighing in at 9lbs 6oz and measuring a whopping 21.5″! I guess whatever it is that we’re doing is doing you some good!

Speaking of feeding you, although your dad and our doctor are more than on board and agreeing with the plan we had established, I am the one struggling with guilt about the whole breastfeeding issue. As discussed with our doctor, I was to wean off the pump and slowly wean you off breast milk by doing so. I haven’t put you back on the breast in a while now because to add to the pain you were causing me by not latching on properly, you also had a bout of thrush that is slowly clearing away now. However, I wasn’t about to subject myself to that on top of the pain of breastfeeding you. The issue that I have is the following: I’m still not done grieving my major fail at breastfeeding. I told the doctor yesterday that I just wanted to make sure I had done everything I needed to and that I hadn’t taken the easy way out by “giving up” on breastfeeding and giving your formula instead. My doctor said she didn’t understand why I was doubting myself, that we were obviously doing what was best for you and me as you are quite healthy and thriving. She even said that we didn’t need to wake you up to feed anymore as you are putting on weight really well. I guess I had this vision of breastfeeding you for a lot longer than I did and I just need to deal with the fact that reality is just not what I had imagined. I just need to let go. It seems to be my motto for the new year: Letting go. I am letting go of the things I have no control over. I have done that in my personal life as well, I just need to apply it when it comes to you also.

You are still suffering from your bouts of colics and I’ve noticed that you have been having more since you are being fed exclusively by formula (hello, more guilt for me!) and you made sure to demonstrate what you are made of to your Mamie all day today and tonight. It is days like today that make me wonder how I’ll cope with you all by myself next weekend. Not worrying about it now, letting go. I’m just happy my mom is here to help out right now. Below is a picture taken yesterday. I am on the phone with your dad and he says he loves you very much. As for me, I will try to go to bed early as I am completely beat!

: You love staring at your giraffe!

: Mamie & Rina

Goodnight love,

Mom & Dad Xxo

Sweet Rina!,

We got back from our trip to the mainland yesterday and I have to admit, you travelled really well. All our relatives thought you were the cutest thing ever. I thought so too, but then again, I am your mom! I even got to dress you up in a few cute outfits you were given by a few friend of your dad’s and I’s before you ended up puking on them! 🙂 Overall, we had a very good Christmas and you were spoiled rotten. People are being way too generous and we don’t know how we’ll ever thank everyone enough. Below is a picture of how we found you on Boxing Day morning in your playpen. I nicknamed you Houdini the escape artist because when I left you earlier, all your limbs were in your pyjama and you were bundled like a burrito.

: Mini Houdini

Sorry for the crappy quality of the pic, it was taken from my phone and the curtains were drawn as it was early in the morning. The socks on your hands were to keep them warm as they had a tendency to get ice cold during the night. I know, not very fashionable, but effective!

Now comes the part about the guilt. You are almost 3 weeks old and although I have given breastfeeding a fair try, I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore. I haven’t been without pain in my breasts for over 12hrs in those 3 weeks and I was starting to dread feeding you because I know it will be painful, burning and prickling the whole way through and it will last even between your feeds. Add to all that the fact that you are colicky and have spent 6hrs straight this morning howling at the top of your lung and another 1.5hrs tonight doing the same (despite your dad and I burping you, holding you upright, giving you gripe water, etc, etc) and my heart was just breaking for you. You cried so much, you are losing your voice and now sound raspy. I have decided to keep pumping my milk for now and we’ll see if you keep suffering from colics. I have tried my best to help you with latching on properly, but my letdown is so strong that you gulp milk down with tons of air, which doesn’t help your belly cramps. Your dad and I have also discussed a plan B if that didn’t help you with the colics and we are not opposed to giving your formula for a few feeds throughout the day if need be. I am at peace with my decision and so is your dad. Right now, it is more important for me to bond with you than to achieve successful breastfeeding. It is a conclusion that has taken me a few days to reach and it wasn’t all that easy to accept, but I have come to terms with it and your dad just wants me to feel good about any decision I make. I have been talking with your Mamie a lot lately and she has been helping me a lot by reassuring me that whatever decision I made, I was a good mom to you as I was doing what is best for the both of us. So there. I am letting go of the guilt and moving on. If some readers of this post object to my decision, I don’t really care or want to know to be honest as I’ve been struggling with my decision for the past few days and am finally comfortable with my choice. It might not be the best choice, but it’s the best choice for our family right now. Here are a few more pictures taken during the Christmas break from my phone: