Loss | Ramblings of a Babymama

After the exhausting day we had yesterday and being up for 30hrs+ straight, I looked at the WOD last night and didn’t feel like going to Crossfit. However I knew I’d feel better just stepping foot into the Box so I forced myself to go. It wasn’t pretty, but I got it done.

I was greeted by a huge hug from Tracey and that opened up my floodgates, but I honestly didn’t care.I expected today to be a release of the said gates and I was ready for it.

Source

Skill: Hang power snatch + OHS x 8

We had done something similar in a Oly class so I started at 50# for 4 reps and bumped it up to 55# for the last 4. My 2 middle reps at 55# were ugly, but I had a self-talk about bracing core, punching the bar up and dropping underneath it and finished off with better form.

WOD: Kitty Paws

I knew this would be hard, but I didn’t know just how hard it would be. I did a combo of TG+, which meant I used a 55# bar and decided on doing 10 DUs for each rounds. I may have been able to do 65, but I wasn’t feeling it at all, being on the verge of tears and all… The first round was uneventful and it took me a long time to get my 10 DUs done. It’s different doing them in my lifting shoes. The second round is where everything started to go downhill. I was tearing up a lot and had a hard time staying focused on the task at hand. I closed my eyes for the single skips and repeated that technique for all the remaining rounds in order to regroup. I honestly can’t tell you my time. I think it was around the 19:00 mark, but I didn’t even look at the clock when I finished. I just sank to my knees, put my head on them and bawled. I just needed to release all the sadness about Duke in order to be strong for the girls today. My goal is to not cry today with them, so I had a good go at it this morning. I was way last to finish and I’m sure people were probably wondering what the heck was wrong with me, but I really didn’t care. I have said it many times before, Crossfit is my therapy. I got my money’s worth today! 😉 After a few minutes, I tried to settle my breathing, taking one breath in, one breath out. I got up, picked up my gear and left.

A wise woman (my mom ;)) once told me to focus on the things I had power to change. I can’t change anything about the Duke situation. I can’t dwell on the “what if’s” and I need to be there for my girls. I need to be strong for them in order to let them feel their emotions about the whole thing. So instead, I will focus on the things I have control over: being a wife, a mom, planning my meals, enjoying my workouts and making the most of my days off with my little family all while breathing, one breath at-a-time.

Today was one of the suckiest day I’ve ever had to go through.

After a very long night at work, I was looking forward to coming home, walking Duke and then we had plans to go out for breakfast (our usual Sunday morning routine when I’m not working).

I came home exhausted and took off with Duke for our walk. He had been so good lately that I decided to walk him off-leash. We made it 2 blocks from our house when he dashed into the street to go greet a dog on the other side. He never made it to greet the other dog. A car couldn’t avoid him and ran him over. Duke yelped endlessly and hobble his way over to me on the sidewalk. I can clearly remember the thud of his little body being run over and the screeching tires. He was bloody and looked like his back left hip was dislocated.

The driver came to us as well as a few people drawn out by Duke’s yelps. I took the driver’s phone number as well as the vet hospital she recommended. I called Ben to let him know about the situation and I picked up Duke and carried him back home. The longest 2 blocks I’ve ever had to walk. I was crying and shaking the whole way while Duke was moaning softly.

Once I was back home, I put him down gently, called the vet hospital and made my way over while Ben was getting the girls ready to come meet us there. They were waiting for me at the vet hospital and scooped Duke away to give him some pain killers and clean up his wounds. Ben and the girls arrived later, while I was still waiting to hear from the vet. He finally came to see us, gave us an estimate of his treatment course and the price varied between $1500-$2000 just for his care overnight as well as all the exams required. The estimate also included other options which would bring the bill up to $3500. Heck, there was no way we could afford that so I made the decision to pay for x-rays and hoped it would be something we could deal with at home.

Turns out he had no broken bone, but the vet had done an abdominal ultrasound and he had an abdominal bleed and therefore, it would not be safe for us to take him home with us. Our only other option was to pay for the x-rays and surrender him to the vet, who would then contact some agencies for the fees required for his care or they would euthanize him if he deteriorated too much. We were given some time with him to say our goodbyes. I don’t think Béatrice understands or is affected by any of it, but myself and Rina are absolutely devastated. Ben is stoic, but I can tell his heart is breaking to see Rina so sad about the whole thing. I’ve been crying all day and while Ben took the girls to run some errands, I was in charge of cleaning the house of everything Duke-related with the hopes that “out of sight, out of mind” will help Rina cope better.

I blame myself fully for having lost such a good pup. I should have kept him on his leash and Rina is quick to remind me of that. Not only do I have to deal with my grief and help my daughter cope with hers, but I also have to deal with a world of guilt.

I tried calling the vet hospital for an update in the afternoon, but since I have revoked my ownership to Duke, they wouldn’t tell me anything other than “he was comfortable”. Patient confidentiality even for animals apparently…

I hope he pulls through and gets adopted by a wonderful family. He is a very tender pup. In the event that he doesn’t, I hope they don’t let him suffer unnecessarily and euthanize him with dignity. He was only with us for a short month, but he was MY dog and I had been waiting 7 years for him. Now, I don’t want another dog, because there’s no way I’m ever putting myself or my family through such an ordeal ever again.

Crossfit will be my therapy tomorrow, that’s for sure. For now, here’s the last picture I took of Duke and how I want to remember him. Happy and running free…